Revise to eliminate flabby expressions, long lead-ins, there is/there are filler

Question

Revise to eliminate flabby expressions, long lead-ins, there is/there are fillers, trite business expressions, clichés, and buried verbs, and to address lack of parallelism, lack of plain English, and other problems.

To: Daniel Kalanek <dkalanek@fidelityfirst.com>

From: Cheryl Madzar<cmadzar@fidelityfirst.com>

Subject: My Suggestion

Mr. Kalanek,

Pursuant to the fact that you asked for suggestions on how to improve customer relations, I am submitting my idea. I am writing you this message to let you know that I think we can improve customer satisfaction easy by making a change in our counters.

Last December glass barriers were installed at our branch. There are tellers on one side and customers on the other. The barriers have air vents to be able to allow us tellers to carry on communication with our customers. Management thought that these barriers that are bullet proof would prevent and stop thieves from catapulting over the counter.

However, there were customers who were surprised by these large glass partitions. Communication through them is really extremely difficult and hard. Both the customer and the teller have to raise their voices to be heard. It's even more of an inconvenience when you are dealing with a person that is elderly or someone who happens to be from another country. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, these new barriers make customers feel that they are being treated impersonal.

I did research into the matter of these barriers and made the discovery that we are the only bank in town with them. There are many other banks that are trying casual kiosks and open counters to make customers feel that they are more at home.

Although it may be easier said than done, I suggest that we actually give serious consideration to the removal of these barriers as a beginning and initial step toward improving customer relations.

Cheryl Madzar

[Full contact information]

Explanation / Answer

To: Daniel Kalanek <dkalanek@fidelityfirst.com>

From: Cheryl Madzar<cmadzar@fidelityfirst.com>

Subject: Suggestion on increasing the customer satisfaction rates.

Dear Mr. Kalanek

With regards to the previous discussion various suggestions that could be made to improve our customer relations, I am writing this mail to let you know that we can improve our customer satisfaction rates easily by making certain changes in our counters.

Glass barriers were installed at our branch in the last December. There are tellers on one side and customers on the opposite side. These barriers have air vents that act as medium to communicate with the customers. Management has decided that these barriers were bullet proof and would prevent thieves or burglars from catapulting from their side of the counter.

However, there were customers who were surprised by these large glass partitions because communication through these barriers is extremely difficult and time-taking. The customers and tellers must raise their voices to be heard.

It's even more of an inconvenience when you are dealing with a person that is elderly or someone who happens to be from another country. Beyond a shadow of a doubt, these new glass barriers make customers feel that they are being treated impersonal.

I did research into the matter of these glass barriers and made the discovery that we are the only bank in town with them. There are many other banks that are trying to install casual kiosks and open counters to make customers feel that they are more at home.

Although it may be easier said than done, I suggest that we give serious consideration in removing these barriers as a beginning and initial step toward improving customer relations.

Cheryl Madzar

[Full contact information]

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