COURSE NAME - BUSINESS COMMUNICATION. English _ 211 Critique 1. introduction E-m

Question

COURSE NAME - BUSINESS COMMUNICATION.
English _ 211 Critique 1.

introduction E-mail is still one of the main lines of communication in business today. Below you will see one e-mail that welcomes new staff to the organization and provides information about their upcoming orientation sessions. Instructions Assess the message below. What did the writer do well? How could this message be improved? Comment on content, grammar and punctuation, and overal aesthetic appeal. If you opened this e-mail, what would your response be to the layout? How would you react to the content? Within your critique, recommend altemate phrasing for a sentence or short passage to show how you would improve it. Does the writer . use positive language? state details concisely and effectively? . avoid slang. informal phrasing. clichés, long lead ins, repetition? . organize the information in a way that makes sense? . format the message to make it visually appealing? . punctuate the message to avoid sentence fragments, run-on sentences comma splices Aim to write 200-250 words, using full sentences. Please proofread your critique before posting it to ensure your grammar punctuation. and spelling are corect itique. select Journals enu

Explanation / Answer

answer

After assessing the email, I found that the writer didn't gave importance to the layout, it is not so professionally appealing, but, conveys it's purpose. The alignment of sender, receiver, date is not in proper scale and subject line is also not separately written after a line. Writer had used informal way to communicate the new hires about orientation and subject line begins with "new orientation for staff that where recently hired", this line has grammatical mistakes and phrasing is not correct. We know that, orientation program is for the new candidate hired. It is not necessary to write "new orientation", and it's wrong to use where recently hired, it should include particular department or for what department the employees are hired recently. The subject line could have been,"orientation program for the new executives of sales department". Or something which clearly conveys it's message in a proper way.

There are lot of mistakes in main body part of the email, no introduction about the writer, no proper greetings. Paragraph began directly by welcoming the employees in a very informal phrases. I would have phrased it like this,

" Greetings of the day,

I am your administrative assistant, welcome you all to blue sled.

we are happy to have you as a part of our organisation, and want you to be familiar with the organisation and other members, who are from various nationalities and also partime employees. Management want your contribution to meet the long term goals of the organisation, and attainment of success. We hope you will find the workplace a pleasant one. And within a couple of week there will be an orientation program for you. Please do attend the sessions. Details will be provided to you shortly."

Orientation session details are not properly framed, it has many grammatical and incorrect words. Meet outside of HR, doesn't give any meaningful sentence.

Ending paragraph is not proper, it has lots of informal words, it should be like,

" Please make sure you attend all the orientation sessions, and your first session will be tour of organisation's building, hope to see you on Wednesday in the foyer".

Thank you,

Regards,

Mirren pike.

* The writer used positive language in some places, but most of the sentences are improper and ineffective.

* No, the writer didn'u conveyed the message concisely and effectively.

* No, writer didn't avoid slang and informal language.

* No, the writer didn't organised sentences at many places, and some sentences doesn't make sense.

* No, it's not the format is not visually appealing.

* There are sentence fragmentation, and no consideration to punctuation at right places.

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