COURSE NAME - ENGLISH 211 (BUSINESS COMMUNICATION) CRITIQUE ( make it for 250 wo

Question

COURSE NAME - ENGLISH 211 (BUSINESS COMMUNICATION)

CRITIQUE ( make it for 250 words )

Introduction
Goodwill messages can be difficult to write but remain important for building
and maintaining relationships with others. Throughout your career, you will be
called upon to write meaningful messages that convey sympathy or well-wishes.
The two e-mails below are thank-you messages for Mr. and Mrs. Tan who
organized a bake sale and smoothie stand to help students fundraise for an
upcoming band trip to Eastern Canada.

Instructions

Compare the two samples of goodwill messages that you see below. Start your
critique by listing what the writers do well. Next, suggest ways that one or both
responses could be improved. Which message does a better job of following the
5Ss for goodwill message listed on page 144 of your textbook? Within your
critique, recommend alternate phrasing for a sentence or short passage to show
how you would improve it.
Are the messages
selfless?
specific?
sincere?
spontaneous?
short?
organized appropriately?
free of grammar and punctuation errors?

Sample 1
From: Jamie North
To: Tan Family
Date: February 29, 2016
Subject: I Appreciate Your Help!
Mr. and Mrs. Tan,
I am writing this note to let you both know how fantastic you were to
organize the bake sale and smoothy stand at the school. I know you put alot
of work into these fundrasing activities. I want to thank you for all of your
elbow grease setting up and cleaning up. (Especially after that one kid
forgot to put the lid on the blender!) All of your efforts have made a big
difference.
Thanks again!
Jamie

Sample 2
From: Peyton West
To: Tan Family
Date: February 29, 2016
Subject: Thank You
Mr. and Mrs. Tan,
Thank you for the many hours you dedicated to fundraising for the Mercury
School band trip; your efforts and new ideas helped us raise over $500.00
more this year than last year. Your smoothie stand gave students the
chance to contribute to the fundraising process through making the drinks
fresh, serving them, and handling the money--what excellent experience for
them. You must have spent hours preparing the fruit and transporting it
frozen, most of us cannot even imagine how you pulled off such a feat!

Your online sign-up for the bake sale ensured we had a large variety of
baked goods (in contrast to the 18 pans of brownies we all remember from
last year!) Most importantly, the kids had fun raising money for their trip, and
you both are to thank for that.
Sincerely,
Peyton West

Explanation / Answer

A critique of the two sample letters

Explanation:

Sample 1 letter has various elements as per the 5Ss. The writer expressed succinctly the reason for writing the letter which is offer appreciation for assistance received. This is very commendable.

However, the writer needs to have been specific by naming both the parents so that the sentence would go like this; I am writing this note to Mr. and Mrs. Tan to let you know……, which gives a greater and specific meaning.

Spontaneity is not evident in the letter and that is something that the writer ought to have addressed. Another critique is on grammatical errors evident in the use of the word smoothy instead of smoothie, fundraising instead of fundraising and alot instead of a lot.

In sample 2 letter, the writer wrote a very broad subject instead of being specific such as thank you for the fundraiser.

Grammatical errors are evident in the letter, for instance, the exclamation mark is not used in the sentence; “what excellent experience for them.” There is also poor punctuation of many of the sentences to an extent that they seem to lack meaning.

the writer expressed his ideas well and direct to the point. Additionally, there was no element of selfishness.

when we closely observe sample one we note that the information is specific ,sincere and well organized, this is because the writer expresses his/her take from the heart and goes directly to the point without delaying . though there are are a few grammatical errors such as fundrasing .alot, which do not adhere with the rules of writing.

The second note is more well organized, very specific though it fails to take note of the special events that occur or that are memorable to the reader. It is also free of grammatical errors thus obeys the rules of grammar.

Both letters can be improved if the writer increases the level of vocabulary, and also becomes more creative and avoids going personal

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