1. Identify the sentence problems in the following paragraphs, and then: revise
ID: 448618 • Letter: 1
Question
1. Identify the sentence problems in the following paragraphs, and then: revise to make the paragraphs clear and specific.
a. We assigned each participant to one of the four experimental conditions to make sure that males and females were equally represented in each of the four conditions for the experiment. It was determined that each participant could do the testing in his home after reading several pages of the manual. After participants thought they could perform basic procedures with the test phones, they were told to begin. After finishing the tests, the results were analyzed.
b. Inside the aircraft, the two sensor Operators-Captain Roger Rhodes and Yvonne Degay, also a captain-sit side by side at the workstation. Rhodes checks the display screen for sensor data while Yvonne checks the long-range radar.
c. I'm writing because there is a problem with excessive telephonic communication by you gals doing patient input. I'm not sure how you can jabber on the telephone while handling input at the same time, but. you need to keep it under control. It must be recognized that abuses of telephone utilization will necessitate cut-offs.
d. For security, guards should check the trucks being loaded at the dock to check that these trucks have been checked for trash and waste that cannot be recycled. This check should include daily spot check surveillance. Variance of spot checks in terms of time at that point in the day must be in place so a consistent pattern of checks can be established.
e. Internal audit for dependents on insurance coverage will be determined by Human Resources. It has been decided that an amnesty period will be allowed for removal of illegal dependents. Utilization of the insurance benefit to cover non qualifying dependents must be dispensed with by employees who have listed such dependents.
f. Pollination strategy brilliant and clever. Orchids provide case study of natural selection. Darwin fascinated by pollination. Challenging questions, and as result Victorians hooked on orchids and cross pollination.
Explanation / Answer
Problem(s): wordiness, passive language
Revision: Each participant was assigned to one of the four experimental conditions to make sure that males and females were equally represented. Participants were able to do the testing at home after reading several pages of the manual. Participants were told to begin after they thought they could perform basic procedures with the test phones. After finishing the test, the results were analyzed.
1b. Problem(s): sexist language
Revision: Inside the aircraft, the two sensor operators – Captain Roger Rhodes and Captain Yvonne Degay – sit side by side at the workstation. Rhodes checks the display screen for sensor data and Degay checks the long range radar.
1c. Problem(s): jargon, wordiness
Revision: There is a problem with unreasonable telephone use by those persons responsible for patient input. Telephone use while doing patient input needs to be kept under control. Abuse of the telephone system during working hours will result in termination.
1d. Problem(s): wordiness, gobbledygook
Revision: Security guards should check the trucks being loaded at the dock for trash and waste that cannot be recycled. This should include daily spot check surveillance. Spot checks need to be done on a consistent schedule.
Related Questions
Navigate
Integrity-first tutoring: explanations and feedback only — we do not complete graded work. Learn more.